


Incorrect Tanner Quotes

by scaryfangirl2001



Series: Correctly Stated Incorrections [14]
Category: Full House (US)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Sex and the City (TV Fusion), F/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-28
Updated: 2019-08-28
Packaged: 2020-07-25 17:56:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20029954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scaryfangirl2001/pseuds/scaryfangirl2001
Summary: Chapter 1: D.J. Tanner lives in Manhattan and writes a column called "Sex and the City". At a birthday party for Kimmy, D.J. and her sisters decide to start having sex "like men", meaning without emotional attachment. However, she realizes she cannot after getting brushed off by a man she has sex with one time later.





	Incorrect Tanner Quotes

    ****
     **Steve**: Oh, I get it... You've never been in love.
    ****
     **D.J.**: Wait... have you ever been in love?
    ****
     **Steve**: Abso-fucking-lutely!
    ****
    ******************************************************
    ****
     **Kimmy**: I just know no matter how good I feel about myself, if I see Kathy Santoni, I just want to give up!

    ****
     **Stephanie**: Well, I just want to tie her down and force-feed her lard, but that's the difference between you and me.

** ****************************************************

     **Kimmy**: **[on the phone] **I am so fucked.
    ****
     **D.J.**: What's wrong?
    ****
     **Kimmy:** No, I mean, literally. I have been fucked every way you can be fucked.
    ****
     **D.J.**: If you keep talking like that, I'm gonna charge you by the minute.
    ****
    ******************************************************
    ****
     **Kimmy**: Front, back, who cares? A hole is a hole.

    ****
     **Stephanie**: Can I quote you?
    ****
     **Kimmy**: Oh, don't be so judgmental. You could use a little back door.
    
     **Michelle**: I'm not a hole!
    ****
     **D.J.**: Honey, we know.
    ****
     **Kimmy**: Look, all I'm saying, that this is—this is a physical expression that the body was... well, it was designed to experience. And P.S., it's fabulous.
    ****
     **Michelle**: What are you talking about? I went to Steve!
    ****
     **Kimmy**: Look, I'm just saying, with the right guy, and the right lubricant...
    
    **[D.J., Stephanie, and Kimmy start laughing when the cab hits a hole]**
    ****
     **Michelle**: What was that?
    ****
     **Stephanie and Kimmy**: A preview.

** ****************************************************

    ****
     **D.J.**: We had such a fantastic connection. Then he leaves me money. I don't understand. What exactly about me screams "whore"?

    ****
     **Stephanie**: Besides the thousand dollars on the end table?

** ****************************************************

     **Michelle**: **[to D.J., about her date with Steve]** I thought you were serious about this guy. You can't sleep with him on the first date.
    ****
     **Kimmy**: Oh, God!
    ****
     **Stephanie**: Here she goes again with "The Rules."
    ****
     **Kimmy**: The women who wrote that book, they wrote it because they couldn't get laid, so they constructed this whole bullshit theory to make women who can get laid feel bad.
    ****
    ******************************************************
    ****
     **Kimmy**: Reality check: A guy can just as easily dump you if you fuck him on the first date as he can if you wait until the tenth.

    ****
     **Stephanie**: When have you ever been on a tenth date?
    ****
    ******************************************************
    ****
     **Stephanie**: Oral sex is like God's gift to women. You can get off without worrying about getting pregnant.

    ****
     **Kimmy**: Plus, the sense of power is such a turn-on. Maybe you're on your knees, but you got 'em by the balls.
    ****
     **Michelle**: Now, you see, that is the reason that I don't wanna go down this road.
    ****
     **D.J.**: Oh, sweetheart, if you're gonna get all choked up about it... just don't do it. Don't do it.
    ****
     **Stephanie**: But if you don't go down on him, how can you expect him to go down on you?
    ****
     **Michelle**: I don't.
    ****
     **Stephanie**: Oh, well, forget it! I only give head to get head.
    ****
     **Kimmy**: Me too.

** ****************************************************

     **Kimmy**: Threesomes are huge right now. They're the blow job of the '90s.
    ****
     **Michelle**: What was the blow job of the '80s?
    ****
     **Kimmy**: Anal sex.

    ****
    ** ****************************************************
    ****
     **Stephanie**: **[about the married man Kimmyis having an affair with] **He's never gonna leave his wife for you, you know. They never do.

    ****
     **Kimmy**: Thank God. Who needs the trouble? This is ideal. No muss, no fuss.
    ****
     **D.J.**: Sounds like you're selling toilet bowl cleaner.
    ****
    ******************************************************
    ****
     **D.J.**: I'm not gonna replace a man with some battery-operated device.

    ****
     **Stephanie**: You say that, but you haven't met "[The Rabbit](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rabbit_vibrator)."
    ****
     **Kimmy**: Oh, come on. If you're gonna get a vibrator, at least get one called "The Horse."
    ****
     **Michelle**: A vibrator does not call you on your birthday. A vibrator doesn't send you flowers the next day. You cannot take a vibrator home to meet your mother.
    ****
     **Stephanie**: Well, I know where my next orgasm is coming from. Who here can say as much?
    ****
    ******************************************************
    ****
     **D.J.**: **[voiceover] **My Zen teacher once told me that there was nothing like yoga to quiet a busy mind. Just as I had reached the moment of no thought...

    ****
     **Michelle**: _[_**whispering]** I think I broke my vagina.
    ****
     **D.J.**: Oh, sorry. Am I pulling too hard?
    ****
     **Michelle**: No, metaphorically, I mean. With the Rabbit.
    ****
    ******************************************************
    ****
     **D.J.**: Oh, shit! I totally spaced. I forgot to buy her a present. How tacky is it to give the mother-to-be a fistful of cash?

     **Kimmy**: Oh, don't worry about it. _[picks up a bottle of Scotch]_ You can go in on mine.
    ****
     **D.J.**: You bought a pregnant woman a bottle of Scotch?
    ****
     **Kimmy**: The invitation said [BYOB](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BYOB).
    ****
     **Stephanie**: That meant "bring your own baby."

** ****************************************************

     **Kimmy**: **[after announcing she met a guy she's in love with]** I'd totally given up on the idea that you could actually talk to men.
    ****
     **D.J.**: Hey, don't spread that around.
    ****
     **Kimmy**: Before James, all my conversations consisted of two sentences—"give it to me" and "go home." And I owe it all to Michelle.
    ****
     **Michelle**: Me? What did I do?
    ****
     **Kimmy**: All that bullshit you spout about not sleeping with men right away actually paid off. I mean, if I'd fucked James already, who knows where we'd be.
    ****
     **Stephanie**: Wait. You haven't had sex yet?
    ****
     **Kimmy**: Soon. You know... I think he's someone I could actually marry.
    ****
     **Michelle**: Kimmy, that's great.
    ****
     **D.J.**: _[_**voiceover]**The idea that Kimmy could possibly get married before she did shook Michelle's beliefs to the core.
    ****
    ******************************************************
    ****
     **Kimmy**: _[_**crying]**Duane has a small dick.

    ****
     **D.J.**: Aw... Well, it's not the end of the world.
    ****
     **Kimmy**: It's really small.
    ****
     **Stephanie**: How small?
    ****
     **Kimmy**: Too small.
    ****
     **D.J.**: Well, size isn't everything.
    ****
     **Kimmy**: Three inches?
    ****
     **D.J.**: Well...
    ****
     **Kimmy**: Hard?
    ****
     **Michelle**: Is he a good kisser?

     **Kimmy**: Oh, who the fuck cares? His dick is like a [gherkin](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gherkin)!
    ****
    ******************************************************
    ****
     **Michelle**: It takes half the total time you went out with someone to get over them.
    

     **D.J.**: I always like a good math solution to any love problem.

** ****************************************************

     **Kimmy**: That can be a turn-on.
    ****
     **Stephanie**: Sure, but now he wants me to reciprocate, and I can't. I never could.
    ****
     **D.J.**: Why not?
    ****
     **Stephanie**: Because sex is not a time to chat. In fact, it's one of the few instances in my overly articulated, exceedingly verbal life where it is perfectly appropriate—if not preferable—to shut up. And now suddenly I have to worry about being stumped for conversation? No, thank you.
    ****
     **Michelle**: Just keep talking about his big cock.
    ****
     **Kimmy**: Correction—his big, beautiful cock.
    ****
     **D.J.**: We're using the "C" word now?
    ****
    ******************************************************
    
    **[Kimmy and Duane are in a couples counseling session]**

    ****
     **Kimmy**: Your penis is too small!
    ****
     **Duane**: Excuse me?
    ****
     **Kimmy**: It doesn't... and it just... it can't. And I can't. And it's... it's just too damn small.
    ****
     **Duane**: Did you ever stop to think that maybe your vagina is too big? **[gets up and leaves]**
    ****
     **Kimmy**: What can I say? I need a big dick.
    ****
     **Rebecca Donaldson**: I hear that.
    ****
    **********************************************************
    
     **Stephanie**: I'm sorry, if a man is over 30 and single, there's something wrong with him. It's [Darwinian](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Charles_Darwin). They're being weeded out from propagating the species.

    ****
     **D.J.**: Okay, what about us?
    ****
     **Stephanie**: We're just choosy.
    ****
    **********************************************************
    ****
     **Michelle**: Forget it. I'm not dating anyone who is known as Mr. Pussy.

    ****
     **Kimmy**: Why not?
    ****
     **Michelle**: Well, maybe I want more than that.
    ****
     **Kimmy**: Oh, sweetie, if a man is good at that, there is nothing more.
    ****
     **D.J. and Stephanie**: Amen.
    
    **********************************************************
    ****
     **Stephanie**: Orgasm, major thing in a relationship?

    ****
     **Michelle**: Yeah, but not the only thing. Orgasms don't send you Valentine's Day cards and don't hold your hand in a sad movie.
    ****
     **D.J.**: Mine do.
    ****
    **********************************************************
    ****
     **Kimmy**: Is he that bad in bed?

    ****
     **Stephanie**: No, he's just... He's a guy. They can rebuild a jet engine, but when it comes to a woman... What's the big mystery? It's my clitoris, not the Sphinx!
    ****
     **D.J.**: I think you just found the title for your autobiography.
    ****
     **Kimmy**: You know, it's really not their fault. They don't come with a manual. If I had a son, I'd teach him all about the vagina.
    ****
     **D.J.**: If you had a son, we'd call social services.
    ****
    **********************************************************
    ****
     **Michelle**: Everyone needs a man. That's why I rent. If you own and he still rents, then the power structure is all off. It's emasculating. Men don't want a woman who's too self-sufficient.

    ****
     **Kimmy**: I'm sorry, did someone just order a Victorian straight up?
    ****
    **********************************************************
    ****
     **D.J.**: So how was the sex?

    ****
     **Michelle**: Amazing! It was like Howie was looking over us, giving us his blessing.
    ****
     **D.J.**: A threesome in absentia.
    ****
     **Michelle**: I mean, my hat blew right into his headstone. He was clearly sending a message.
    ****
     **Stephanie**: Yeah, "don't fuck my husband, you hat-loving bitch."
    ****
    **********************************************************
    ****
     **Kimmy**: Nobody told me it was BYO man.

    ****
     **D.J.**: Well, what did you expect? It's a lesbian art show.
    ****
     **Kimmy**: I know! But don't straight guys usually follow them around to see what they're going to do?
    ****
    **********************************************************
    ****
     **Kimmy**: Men cheat for the same reason that dogs lick their balls: Because they can. It's part of their biology. Instead of wasting all this energy condemning it, maybe it's time we all got in line with the reality of the situation.

    ****
     **D.J.**: Well, that sounds very empowering, but you're forgetting one important detail.
    ****
     **Stephanie**: God, I hope so.
    ****
     **D.J.**: Women cheat.
    ****
     **Michelle**: Yeah, but it's completely different.
    ****
     **Kimmy**: How?
    ****
     **Michelle**: 'Cause we don't go around randomly attacking any man that we're attracted to.
    ****
     **Kimmy**: Speak for yourself.
    ****
     **Michelle**: We're not driven by testosterone.
    ****
     **D.J.**: Then what does drive us according to you?
    ****
     **Michelle**: Emotions.
    ****
     **Kimmy**: You mean hormones.
    ****
     **Michelle**: No. I mean that little voice inside of me that says, "Mate for life! Mate for life!"
    ****
     **Kimmy**: Sweetheart, you can't go listening to every fucking little voice that runs through your head. It'll drive you nuts.
    ****
    **********************************************************
    ****
     **Michelle**: It's love at first sight.

    ****
     **Kimmy**: Oh, honey, this isn't love. This is about two people justifying a week of non-stop fucking.
    ****
     **Stephanie**: On my furniture! I have to redecorate.
    ****
    **********************************************************
    ****
     **Michelle**: I just don't understand. How could you forget someone you slept with?

    ****
     **D.J.**: Toto, I don't think we're in single digits anymore.
    ****
    **********************************************************
    ****
     **Kimmy**: What's your age ceiling with men?
    

     **D.J.**: 50?
    
     **Kimmy**: Factor in millions and millions of dollars.
    
     **D.J.**: 50?
    
     **Kimmy**: Well, I just met the cutest older man.
    
     **D.J.**: How old, 50? 60? Sweetie, is he on [Medicare](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Medicare_\(United_States\))?
    
     **Kimmy**: I'm guessing 72. A young 72.
    ****
    **********************************************************
    ****
     **D.J.**: **[on the phone] **I'm at Steve's.
    

     **Stephanie**: You're at Steve's? You and I are having dinner tonight!
    
     **D.J.**: Well, he got this veal.
    
     **Stephanie**: You blew me off for a piece of politically incorrect meat?!
    ****
    **********************************************************
    ****
     **D.J.**: You've never seen an uncircumcised one?
    

     **Michelle**: We're from Connecticut! Where would we have seen one? Where did _you_ see one?
    ****
    **********************************************************
    ****
     **Kimmy**: All I'm saying is, uncut men are the best. They try harder. I should know. I've slept with five of them.
    

     **Michelle**: Out of how many?
    
     **D.J.**: Infinity.
    ****
    **********************************************************
    ****
     **D.J.**: **[about Steve]** Now I've laid down the gauntlet. He either has to say "I love you" back or I guess I'm gonna have to break up with him.
    

     **Michelle**: Well, how long are you gonna give him?
    
     **D.J.**: Well, I didn't put an expiration date on the sentiment, but I figure it's got the shelf life of a dairy product. It's gonna start to curdle in about a week.
    
     **Kimmy**: You know, it's so interesting. You can tell a man, "I hate you", you'll have the best sex of your life. But tell him, "I love you", you'll probably never see him again.
    ****
    **********************************************************
    ****
     **Stephanie**: When single men have a lot of money, it works to their advantage, but when a single woman has money, it's a problem you have to deal with. It's ridiculous! I want to enjoy my success, not apologize for it.
    

     **Kimmy**: Bravo, honey! Bravo!
    ****
     **Michelle**: But you're talking about more than a difference in income. You're talking about a difference in background and education. This guy is working class.
    ****
     **Stephanie**: Working class?!
    ****
     **Michelle**: Yeah.
    ****
     **D.J.**: It's the millennium, sweetie. We don't say things like "working class" anymore.
    ****
     **Michelle**: But you're trying to pretend that we live in a classless society, and we don't.
    ****
     **D.J.**: Okay, [Marie Antoinette](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Marie_Antoinette), we get the picture.


End file.
